dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch