i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
