i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.