it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
