hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
where are you?
Hypothermia
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
