She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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