i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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