For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
