While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
