Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
