1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
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