the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
