i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
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Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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