Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
false alarm, still single
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