There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
porn star boner night. come get it.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
