haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
