Who did Billy Mays play for?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
