Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
