I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
