DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
