I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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