so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
We need to get me chipped asap
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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