Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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