mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
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How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
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At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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