the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
