I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The beer is more important than you right now.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
