I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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