BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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