Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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