Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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