downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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