plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
