Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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