today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
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