So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
