You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
