I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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