you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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