Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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