Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
