please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
