why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
