I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
