Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
