He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I love black thongs
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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