we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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