Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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