I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
