I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
