Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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