I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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