I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
