its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
