I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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