im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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