Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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