just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
