I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize