her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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