she woke up with a sticky ear
i want to swaddle you in tequila
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
