Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
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