I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
